Ghosts haunt us. Ancestors walk beside us. Bruce Springsteen and Barack Obama talk about their fathers. My jury service. And some tea from Maya Angelou

They had each ultimately resolved their relationships with their fathers. Mine had recently died, and that episode of Renegade: Born in the USA hit home.

How are you with your ancestors, both the living and the ones who have long since left this crazy scene?

I binged the series Renegade: Born in the USA as my gym listening for several sessions. It traversed wide ranging topics from American music through to each man’s relationship with his father. The latter fell headfirst into my preoccupations at the time, causing some shivers. My relationship with my father had often been troubled. Dad had very recently died. Those short sentences of Springsteen’s became the title of a painting I made in honour of my father, Thomas Edward Sole. He was another troubled man, his life deeply impacted by colonial blanketing of New Zealand, a short school education, and a life of hard physical work. He was a hard man to live with, whoever you were to him. He was also nice to be with when his sky was blue, fun even. A man who was last to leave parties, first to put his hand up if there was some voluntary work that he could accomplish at a marae (tribal community house), and so deeply incapable of pretence it offended people.

[Ghosts Haunt Us. Ancestors Walk Beside Us. Mixed media with collage. Copyright Karen Sole solekart.com]

His mother, Lola Robinson married James Sole, and my father was the second child, first son, of ten children, living on a farm that James had made into a big success. My mother, Nola was one of six children born to Clara Busby and Will Brogden. Their house burned down in 1933, in the sugar bag years of the Depression. No one was harmed, the house was insured, but in that moment the family of eight had only the clothes they stood in.

Behind these immediate four grandparents are lines and lines of forbears, some of whom had always been here in Aotearoa-New Zealand, others who came in ships like the Oriental that brought James’ forbears to New Plymouth. That family’s journey is recorded in the ship’s manifest at the New Plymouth Museum, Te Puke Ariki. My mother’s paternal grandparents, my great grandparents, were still living together in their own home when I was in my last year of high school. They were separated when Grandma was removed to a rest home, and they both died shortly after. My father’s maternal grandmother, Maraea Robinson, passed away while my mother was carrying me. So, my early life was rich with grand and great grandparents. They were all eccentric, unpretentious, hard-working working people, and although I did not have the intimate relationships with them that my generation have with our grandchildren, I intuited long ago that they are unimaginably important in my life, and to who I am.

The first time I remember consciously calling on them, my ancestors, and the lines behind them, I was serving in a jury in a well publicised case. Eighteen defendants, all Maori, were prosecuted for murder in such a way that if any one of them was guilty, the others would be by association. The jury was young, only one among us prejudiced against gangs in the way the prosecution had hoped for or, more likely, counted on. The responsibility felt gargantuan.

I needed to check in with something, someone(s) beyond my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. As I sat in the jury box, I summoned the support of my ancestors through Dad and Lola and Maraea and way, way beyond. That was a moment. And there have been many more since.

Yesterday, I remembered that trial and my calling on my ancestors when I listened again to Dr Maya Angelou exhorting us to bring our people with us, not only family and forbears, but anyone and everyone who has nurtured and supported us in our lives. As she tells it, better than anyone could, when you bring that collection of everyone who has loved you, with you into a room, people don’t know what it is about you, but they can’t take their eyes off you, they see charisma. She says that is all those people around you. She was speaking of self love. And that’s it, isn’t it. You are not alone. You are never alone. Your ancestors who dreamed of you are all around. Always.

So, how are you with your ancestors?

Can you feel their influence?

Who among them have you met or heard about?

What do the stories tell you?

Does it make sense in the family history you have access to?

Would you like to enquire more?

There are many ways to look into your antecedents. Of course, if you have living family members who met and remember ones who have passed on, that can be a rewarding and valuable source of information, and a way to understand yourself a little or a lot more.

My workshop, Your name, your ancestors, your patterns takes place on Sunday 30 November from 2000-2300 New Zealand time. It takes the gentle approach of interrogating your given name, as a portal to family history, dynamics and possibly secrets, and a view of your patterns. You might want to work one more of those unhelpful patterns! If you would like to join, book ON THIS WEBSITE.

I have recently discovered that not all countries allow Paypal to operate. If you live in one of those countries, please send me a request for an invoice. Please include your email address in your message on the website. You will then be able to pay using international bank transfer from your account to mine. One to one sessions are always available. Contact me to arrange a session that suits your time zone. All welcome. Karen Sole

my mother sacrificed her dreams so i could dream rupi kaur

the sun and her flowers

Simon & Schuster Inc Copyright 2017 Rupi Kaur

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Karen Sole is a member of the International Institute for Complementary Therapists, and of the International Systemic Constellations Association (isca-network.org), and a former member of ANZCI, the Aotearoa New Zealand Constellation Incorporated. She took her first training from Yildiz Sethi yildizsethi.com of familyconstellations.com.au. Karen’s profile can be found on the above organisational sites. She participates in monthly professional supervision, facilitator member constellations of ANZCI, ISCA, and informal international groups of experienced credentialed facilitators. From 01 October 2025 to 30 September 2026 she is a member of CI Connect, ‘a safe space to connect to self and others through compassionate self-inquiryand the exploration of our shared humanity in today’s world’ with Dr Gabor Mate and Sat Dharam Kaur ND and CI Facilitators.