Complex and Often Conflicting Emotions When Someone We Love Is Dying
- Karen Sole
- Mar 17
- 7 min read
Updated: Apr 8
Therapy as a way of dealing with that, without dumping on them.
I had drafted most of this piece a few weeks ago, and then the truly unthinkable happened to one of my oldest friends - her 50 year old son, Johan, on holiday with his kids died suddenly on a ski slope in Austria. Johan’s daughter is the same age as my older granddaughter. I attended her high school graduation ceremony with the whole family in Huizen, The Netherlands, in 2017. My memories of that evening are crisp and clear, from the takeaway meal at Johan’s home before driving to the venue, then the hall, the lights, the stage, the lovely young people walking up to be presented with their certificates, arms across the backs of chairs, Johan’s quiet, glowing parental pride. RIP Johan.
Someone we love is dying. Well, we’re all dying, but I mean imminently or imminently-ish. And now -
We wish we’d said…
We wish we’d done…
We shouldn’t have said….
We shouldn’t have done…
We got along wonderfully, but there was that time when…
They could have said…
They could have done….
They shouldn’t have done…Very complicated, when someone has a short measure left here with us, or we with them. Scenes explode in our minds, memories of occasions associated with ‘good’ or ‘bad’ feelings. Where we were, who else was there, what precipitated the event and actions we took and they took. Mixed with loving and friendly, warm, fond, happy, we feel regret, shame, sadness, fear, and maybe project that onto them. These memories are not necessarily and probably are not what we typically think of as traumatic or needing attention, but the fact that they arise , that they touched in us in the circumstances tells us there is something to indulge, to learn from and to clarify. We want to avoid ruminating, and especially, to avoid apportioning blame, and in most cases to avoid burdening them with the churn. We can do something positive that is beneficial to ourselves and to them. And in time, too.
In doing so, we can become more resilient and more capable in the face of their imminent death, move through it with more calm and acceptance. We can be our authentic selves with them, soften to the needs they have, and the stress and grief we are already experiencing, and do it consciously and vulnerably.
Our kindness, attention, tenderness, gentle honesty, affection, nice food and drink, conversation and simple presence we can give freely within the limits of their situation, and within the shape and size of the relationship we have with them. Our misgivings or tough conversations have probably passed their use-by date. Our person has way bigger fish to fry. So, what can we do?
We can take a sharp and kind look at ourselves. It’s a good time to get clear, and be that person when we see them, whether they’re a close friend, a colleague, a lover, a former lover, a spouse/partner or a former spouse/partner, a sibling, mother, father, grandmother, grandfather or other relative. Or a neighbour. Or our hairdresser of many years. Or other. Please note that I am very deliberately excluding ‘child’, as that seems another order of things altogether.
We may be able to acknowledge the feeling of incompleteness around something we have done - remembering that what we think and say are actions. We are not looking for absolution, but full recognition and acceptance. Maybe it’s something they have done, such as one or other forms of abuse. We can hand that back, without their knowledge and without harming them or ourselves. In so doing, we are able to dissolve the strong conflicted feelings that are intensified by the fact of their dying and soon to be death, ensuing funeral and /or celebration of their life. We are facing occasions, cultural ceremonies, whatever we call them, and however they are conducted, where all those relatives and friends are in the same room with us: we who harbour difficult, ambivalent, angry, resentful, hateful, or impossible to resolve emotions. We are ‘supposed to’ be entirely sorry and grieving their passing. It is possible to participate in the rituals of our specific culture and still acquire and maintain, internally and privately, a more regulated response to each moment. Our responses are not framed by the conventions of our culture, but by real appreciation, acceptance and genuine emotions.
The maxim not to speak ill of the dead came into the culture(s) for good reasons. To avoid falling into that hole, we can get on with resolving issues we have before the dreaded event, so that there is less dread, more celebration of their life, more acceptance of our own and their small or bigger 'misdeeds'.
Looking at my life, and the passing of my parents, I had by that time achieved as much intimacy with each of them as I could. They each died at 97 years old, two years apart. However, I do not mean I do not have regrets and sorrows about my inadequacies, or more colloquially my shit, in various ways and periods of my life with them in it. I do know that I might well have dealt more effectively with the shame of that if I had encountered earlier in my life the therapies that have most blown the ash out of the crucible.
I could have softened the situation within the level of intimacy I achieved with each of them, long before their passing if I'd processed my stuff earlier.
The therapies that I have experienced most recently are Compassionate Inquiry and Family Constellations, and before that some Gestalt and a lot of Conscious Connected Breathing or Rebirthing as it was called back then, with a bit of basic talk therapy in the mix.
When we process in therapy, we can let go, be more present with ourseves, and when we are with our person who has the fairly finite date, so that their passing causes us less distress, less conflicted emotion, and we can more easily let them go. You may know that my analogy is that our family system is like a pond, and our therapy is a stone thrown into it. The pond ripples, without knowing, without question. Every little action has a reaction. So your therapy may well have a positive effect on your loved one, bringing more ease to them, and softening your final sets of interactions.
We don’t need to wait for the overwhelming emergency of our loved one to ID unfinished business, business we can resolve, privately on our own in some form of therapy. There is quite likely some other relational turmoil to sort, as we have more contact, or not, with other family members. End of life gatherings are infamous for the raw rampage of heightened emotions that originate in the past. In families that's way, way back, when we were all children. If we can work on some of that too, that will ease the interactions with our family at this time. From my perspective Family Constellations is an ideal option. Maybe you want to have some talk therapy first, or only, in which case I recommend Compassionate Inquiry, which is the trauma informed approach that was developed by Dr Gabor Mate and Sat Dharum Kaur. It too, takes you back to your childhood, your earliest experiences. It is deeply client lead, with guidance and plenty of space for us to feel, and to witness, It is amazing the extent of release that comes with voicing our feelings, our own secrets and shame. There, we've said it. Our own willingness to say and the therapist's ability to hold the space for us is a safe miraculous thing! I say this from experience of Compassionate Inquiry therapy with Dr Luke Sniewski. (www.lukesniewski.com )
In a constellation we witness and feel representatives of our family members energetically in the relational dynamics in our system. Sometimes we replace or stand beside the person representing us during the processing. This is transformative therapy. We feel the change in the days and weeks following and we can do more constellation work or dip into other therapies as we continue the compassionate trip down family lane.
Most therapy can be done online - that discovery is one of the silver linings of the Covid pandemic - so there are just two obstacles: our readiness and or our economic circumstances.
It is worth prioritising our therapy, if we have the space and means to do so, and I fully and sadly acknowledge the inaccessibility of therapy for many people. But if you can, do it. Because here's the news - we're all going to die, and the fewer regrets we have the better when that time comes. Obviously, that is not from my experience, but it is well documented in chronicles of people near death.
Don't wait for someone else's terminal diagnosis to work on your stuff. The truth is, we don't know how much time we have.
Find someone near you, or search online for the person you want to work with. At manawa family constellations one to one online Constellation sessions are available, where ever you are in the world, at a time to suit your time zone. Currently a quorum is sought for an online workshop. If you would like express your interest, it is going to be on a Sunday at 2000 hours New Zeland time, 0800 hours Central Europen Time, duration 3 hours. All you need is a device, good connectivity, and a strong intention for your own constellation, or willingness to represent. There are no useless moments, no waste in a Constellation, whether it is your issue, you are representing or observing. Observing is shorthand for something that is actually much more immersive, as we truly get right into it, even in that position. All levels of participation are voluntary, and everyone benefits from the process.
Copyright Karen Sole
manawa family constellations - heart breath emotion
Karen Sole is a member of the International Institute for Complementary Therapists, and of the International Systemic Constellations Association (isca-network.org), and a member of ANZCI, the Aotearoa New Zealand Constellation Incorporated. She took her first training from Yildiz Sethi yildizsethi.com of familyconstellations.com.au . Karen's profile can be found on the above organisational sites. She participates in regular professional supervision, facilitator member constellations of ANZCI, ISCA, and informal international groups of experienced credentialed facilitators.
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