Everyone gets therapy these days, or so it seems. But why would you? Your life is not bad, your view of your childhood is benign, you still get on OK with your parents, your Gran loves you, and your kids seem to be thriving, and your work is tolerable or better and keeps a sturdy roof over your head. Maybe you even eat and sleep well, exercise enough, and have passion for pastimes that you continue to love and develop. Pretty picture, huh?
But -
there’s that person at work who bugs the hell out of you and you believe it’s their fault, or
the silly arguments you have with friends or neighbours stick in your head like bad advertising jingles, or
you get angry when your kids oppose you, or
you can’t tell your partner or spouse what you really want to do on your next vacation, or
you’re always a bit late for everything, or
Thanksgiving or Christmas or Hannukah or other gathering and festivity is coming up and the idea of that uncle being in the same room as you already makes you want to run, or throw up - just a very few examples.
These wrinkles were set into your cloth when you were very small. You may have been as little as 3 or 4 years or a few months old, as in Dr Gabor Mate’s case. (You will hear about Gabor, and his approach, Compassionate Inquiry, and my therapy sessions with NZ’s first Compassionate Inquiry therapist, Dr Luke Sniewski a lot here).
And what do we typically do about these aspects of life that we probably label mostly ‘minor’ annoyances, if we notice them as events at all? We don’t usually figure out that there is something in our interactions that simultaneously reverberate with and awaken in a constant feedback process our implicit memories, emotional responses, some things that are hardwired in us. We think it’s the other person who is ‘the problem’. We take the vacation, feeling resentful a lot of the time. We continue to have bad feelings towards the friend, colleague, neighbour or family member. That’s a lot of wasted energy, a lot of people not paying rent to live in our heads, and a lot of unease in our bodies and lives.
If you are ready to swap blame for curiosity, to understand more about your early life and how you were imprinted, to have more compassion for yourself and your loved ones and others, and to live a life less burdened by the subtle - or more obvious - alarms stowed in your body in your earliest days, then family or systemic constellations work is a great way to exercise your curiosity and get lasting positive change. Exhilarating change.
You may have experience of other therapies, and you may go back to more of that after constellations in your lifelong, continual curiosity and growing awareness and spaciousness. Family constellations is a unique way to reach the hidden trauma you carry, without much talking, without intellectualising. This phenomenological modality is paradoxically matter of fact and yet deeply emotional. Crystal clarity realised in your core in the moment integrates in the hours, days weeks and months that follow. Far reaching, quiet increases in relational ease, all around your life, including the relationship with yourself, or especially with yourself.
‘When you throw a stone into a pond, the pond doesn’t know that it ripples.’
As a practitioner, I continue to go into constellations as a representative and as a seeker or client, because I remain curious, and as a condition of working in the field. Although my previous life and therapies let me believe I had my family of origin sorted, I have reached greater depth of understanding of family members and myself through constellations, and absolute belief in its efficacy, aptness and veracity.
Here’s a little example: I went into a short constellation with the intention of improving communication with a family member. In the course of the constellation, I made a huge discovery about their early life that helped me understand and have way more compassion for them. That is all understatement. The next phone call to them was so comfortable, so ease-y, the tone so much softer, coming from them. The energy had shifted, seismically, despite them not knowing I’d done even the tiniest thing. The fact is, when you throw a stone into a pond, the pond doesn’t know that it ripples. These effects, the almost palpable changes, confirm once more that work on ourselves is the change. I’ll repeat that - the work on ourselves is the change.
Bring your intention to a family constellations session if you would like to be the change in your family system. My invitation is for you to throw a stone into your pond. My reach is global. I work in English.
Copyright Karen Sole
This piece first appeared at ksole.substack.com. See it there and subscribe to get blogs first.
www.manawafamilyconstellations.com - heart breath emotion
Karen Sole is a member of the International Institute for Complementary Therapists, and of the International Systemic Constellations Association (isca-network.org), and a member of ANZCI, the Aotearoa New Zealand Constellation Incorporated. She took her first training from Yildiz Sethi yildizsethi.com of familyconstellations.com.au . Karen's profile can be found on the above organisational sites. She participates in regular professional supervision, facilitator member constellations of ANZCI, ISCA, and informal international groups of experienced credentialed facilitators.
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