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Writer's pictureKaren Sole

A Place For Everyone, Everyone In Their Place In Family Systems

Updated: Oct 14

One of the pillars of Family/Systemic Constellations is belonging: that is the 'law' that everyone has their place in the system, no matter their birth order or circumstances, their location in the world, or in time, or their actions. That is not to say that perpetrators get a free pass. They must accept and take responsiblty for their actions. Examples would be emotionally, psychologically, physically or sexually abusive, or even murderous actions.




People who have been excluded must be brought back in to take their place in the family, even when the person and their actions are in a past generation. The unacknowledged, shamed and secret members of the family system reverberate through generations, affecting later members of the family. Someone unwittingly takes up the burden of exclusion or the shame and secrecy, and so it goes on rippling through, until there is acceptance and responsiblity taken, or the shame, secret, or action is given back to the perpetrator. Such resolutions in constellations are not merely superficial or symbolic, but can become embodied in current generations of the family, through just one member processing the issue.


So, everyone has a place, and there is a place for everyone in the family system. This may be a life that 'did not make it', such as in the case of miscarriage or abortion, or early infant .death. The birth order includes these children, and a constellation is able to restore their place, and elevate recognition and acceptance of them, and allow them to receive .the love of family. My wise mother made that transformaton for my brother who was impossibly premature in 1945, and died at just three days old. For all the families who suffered that grief, there was no real recognition. The mothers were obliged to stay in hospital while fathers completed burial of their child on their own, as happened in my family. In her eighties, my mother gathered everyone together to place a memorial stone on my brother Brian's hitherto unmarked grave, in an act of great love. This bought more order and balance in our family, and allowed the love to flow into all the members of it, and healed the separate griefs of six decades, just by recognising and speakiing it. In reality, my mother instigated a powerful constellation..


Other situatons are created when children are born of outside-the-relationship pairings of one or other parent. Those children also take their chronological place in the family. In the current era complicated blended families into which new children are born of the parents, are also family systems to which the basic family constellation tenets apply, whether the blend is fully harmonious or troubled and distant, whether under one or several roofs.


Adoption, donor and surrogate parents, all take their place in the family constellation, even when clearly, the parent is not known. DNA is DNA. Inescapable, powerful, and definitive. And, as we learn more about epigenetics, family constellations continues to work with the human experience of relationship and the bonds of love that exist even in the messiest of families. If you are ready for transformative therapy, go to the Book Online page of my website, or click the Book Now button below.


Karen Sole



Karen Sole is a member of the International Institute for Complementary Therapists, and of the International Systemic Constellations Association (isca-network.org), and a member of ANZCI, the Aotearoa New Zealand Constellation Incorporated. She took her first training from Yildiz Sethi yildizsethi.com of familyconstellations.com.au . Karen's profile can be found on the above organisational sites. She participates in regular professional supervision, facilitator member constellations of ANZCI, ISCA, and informal international groups of experienced credentialed facilitators.




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